Moving back home after living abroad: what I'd try instead of forcing myself to fit in

We talk a lot about how hard it can be to move abroad. We talk much less about coming back.

When people ask how you're settling in, you might say "good, yeah, it's nice to be back." And maybe some of that is true. Coming back might not look like a struggle from the outside. You're working, seeing people, getting on with things. And yet underneath, there might be this feeling that you're here, but not fully.

It can take a while to admit, even to yourself, that coming back hasn't felt the way you hoped (it's good to be back… right?).

You've changed in ways nobody here saw

You've probably changed in ways nobody here saw happen (and maybe picked up a few habits your family now finds very strange). Maybe in the small moments you went through on your own, far from everyone, the days you had to figure things out, the way you became a bit more sure of what you need.

People here often remember who you were before you left. And because no one watched the rest happen, it can be easy to keep it all to yourself, or to slip back into the old version of you, just because that's the one everyone knows.

The small ways we hold back

Maybe you've started holding back a bit. You start saying "when I lived in…" and then stop, because you don't want to be the person who always talks about it (again?!).

You might say yes to plans you're not really into, and the things you used to do over there, you might have just stopped doing.

Honestly, I do get it. You probably just want things to feel "normal" again.

But every time you stop yourself like that, you might be telling yourself that part of you doesn't fit here. And that, my friend, can feel lonely, even when you're with people you love.

What I'd try if I'd just moved back

So, if I'd just moved back, this is what I'd try:

• I'd let myself finish that sentence, at least with people who actually want to hear it.

• I'd keep doing one thing I used to do there. Just one, to start with.

• I'd try to look at my city the way I did when I was new somewhere, a bit curious (tourist mode, but at home).

• And on the days I missed it, I'd let myself miss it.

Maybe that's going to a market on Sundays because it reminds you of the one you used to go to. Or getting to know someone who's also lived abroad, so you don't have to explain everything. Or finally going into that bakery you've walked past your whole life (how have you never been in?).

It might not fix everything (I wish), and it could still help you feel a bit more like yourself here.

Both can be true

Some days it probably is good to be back. If other days it isn't, that doesn't cancel out the people you love here, or the parts of this place that will always be yours.

You're allowed to take your time with it. And whatever you brought back from there, I hope you get to keep some of it.

If coming back has been harder than you expected, you don't have to figure it out on your own.

Because maybe that's what home is: being with yourself, wherever you are.

Daniela x

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